Divine Pie:

What a wonderfully moving essay. I’m glad to hear that you were able to move past the abuse of your childhood and find peace and meaning in the present.

You aren’t alone.

I was raised in a similar situation, only it was my mother who was the mentally ill/alcoholic abuser. She had a way of presenting herself as a soft spoken and demure little German girl to anyone outside the family, but turned into a frightening monster when alone. She was intimidating, verbally abusive, and violent. She threatened to kill my father and I in our sleep a number of times. That’s probably why I suffered from insomnia most of my life.

But to be fair I have to tell you a little about her. She lived through World War Two in Germany. Half her family were killed violently. She had rickets — a disease of malnutrition — when she was a teenager. Viewing her as if she were in a vacuum, I can understand why she was drunk most of the time. There but for the grace of God could go any of us.

I agree completely with your statement that escape is possible but there has to be a hunger iin the individual to change. I was incredibly depressed as a teenager and young adult. I began reading books, though, and realized that I didn’t have to be that way. It took a long time, a lot of “present moment thinking”, and some agonizing self-assessment but I was able to come to peace with the world.

One incident to give you an idea of what I’m talking about…

When I was in college the doors to the dorm elevator open and I saw a girl who lived down the hall from me walking arm in arm with another woman. They were laughing and obviously had a history.

A few days later when I saw this girl in the hallway I said something about seeing her with her girlfriend, but she was very offended. “That’s not my girlfriend! That was my mother!”

I was embarrassed, of course, and it quickly occurred to me that my assumptions about family life were wildly inaccurate. I could not conceive of a mother and daughter having a close relationship and show physical affection for one another. It never occurred to me that might be the case. With my history, a lesbian relationship made more sense.

I knew my childhood gave me a different view of family, but that incident made quite an impression on me. It showed me how very wrong my assumptions about family and affection really were.

But that’s what life is about, I think. Learning new things about everything there is. There isn’t enough time to learn about everything there is to learn about. But that just shows what an incredible unending adventure we are on.

If we choose to take it.

Write back soon. Feel free to use my personal email, vic@vicnapier.com